another's faith

there are always interesting conversations surrounding faith. what is it? who has it? what is it in? what is it based on? where does it come from? etc. and usually somewhere in the midst of opinions and convictions, people begin to compare theirs with another's. are they in the same thing? is one right and one wrong? i've always been intrigued by this as my own convictions definitely have tended to place me on a particular side of this debate. i have my convictions, and therefore, i share them because i think they're right. if i didn't think they were right, why believe them? BUT, how, when, and with what attitude you do such, varies. and recently, life circumstances, have brought a new perspective for me on this.

most people, if not all, will hear the phrase "judge not lest you be judged" by the time they reach adulthood. it is derived from a bible verse though i'm sure was coined by someone else along the way as well. anyway. i've heard that used against religious types many times. sometimes i've been included in the intended party, sometimes just a listening ear. and those who i've been around that have had this thrown at them will say they are not judging but that God is the supreme judge and they are passing along His commands/demands. and i agree. but suddenly, as of late, i don't feel like that is always the case. i'll try to candidly explain.

i have faith. and for years i doubted it. never sure of whether it was truly there. always taught to question my own heart and motives i was in a constant state of fear. fear that i was deceiving myself. how could you ever know that you weren't deceiving yourself? you couldn't. and so on good days i thought that i must believe. and on bad days, i thought i must not believe. and during these years of doubt inwardly, outwardly i lived as i aught. dutifully following everything as best i could. never once my faith questioned by others. but lately i have been forced through life circumstance orchestrated, i believe by God, to look at and truly examine my beliefs. it was hard. it is hard. to question everything you have based each life decision on. and i wish i could tell you i came to conclusions, but i haven't. not yet. i'm still in the midst of sorting through what i was raised to believe and merely never questioned; and what i believe in the depths of my soul. i think it's a life-long journey. at least it feels that way right now.

back to it. i questioned for years but now, when it would be easier for me then ever, to abandon every nuance of my faith, i refuse. not simply because i am stubborn. not because i am scared. but because i know that what my faith is grounded in is true. if i didn't think so, i would've dropped it months ago with ease. but now, when i am assured that i have a faith that will not let me go, all around me, others question. they question simply because i question. they worry simply because i doubt. they stand anxiously because i'm picking apart my beliefs.

i am currently reading a book by philip yancey called reaching for the invisible God. in it, he tells of the following account: "A Scottish preacher in the last century lost his wife suddenly, and after her death he preached an unusually personal sermon. He admitted in the message that he did not understand this life of ours. But still less could he understand how people facing loss could abandon faith. 'Abandon it for what!' he said. 'You people in the sunshine may believe the faith, but we in the shadow must believe it. We have nothing else'"

and so here i am. all around me question my faith but i say, as the Scottish preacher did. abandon it for what! yes, i am in a hard time of life. yes, i am questioning some of what i have so long believed. but never more, have i clung to my faith in God and Christ and the Spirit then right now. i must believe, i have nothing else.

until next time.

fallen

when you grow up in the circles that i have, you become fluent in a second language. it is not recognized as a language universally although you can find people all over the world that speak it. there are books written in this language, entire communities based on the language, and it is taught in recognized colleges and universities around the world. Since it has not been officially labeled, many outside of these circles are only slightly, if at all, aware of its existence. They use words like propitiation, salvation, redemption, sanctification, and justification just to name a few. And while they can be found in dictionaries, their use is very particular on the lips of the religious communities.

well along with words, there are sayings. one of which is "i really feel my fallen nature". or something along those lines. now, what is being referred to when they say "fallen nature" has been discussed in books upon books through the centuries. i am not attempting to tackle that right now by any means. but in case, there are some reading that are unfamiliar with it's use, let me put it as simple and plainly as i can.

there is a reason that it seems we should protest war in favor of peace. it is natural, although often taken to extremes, that we want to protect animals. it is right that we seek the rights of our fellow human beings. and the list goes on. there was a time, and there will be again, when the world was in a perfect state. peace. love. equality among men. there was no war. we looked after the animals. and love permeated our culture. that was all lost. and hopefully i can get into that at a later date. but once it was lost, we now live in a world that longs to be back in that perfect condition. until then, we refer to what we live in now as a "fallen state". fallen from perfection.

most of the time when the people in the circles i have known so closely use the phrase above, it is in reference to their sin. (again, another term that requires lengthy study and explanation that i don't wish to go into. but basically, everything we do now, since we are no longer perfect, that displeases a Holy God.) so generally they are using it when they mess up. do something they wish they hadn't or know they shouldn't have.

i've been trying to steer clear of this terminology lately. needing a breath of fresh air and a healthy dose of reality that uses words every person knows no matter what circles they have known. but this morning, as i lay in bed still convincing myself i had the strength to face the day, the thought occurred to me, "this is my fallen nature". but it wasn't in the traditional sense of the phrase or its meaning. although there are plenty of mistakes i wish undone, it was the pain in my heart that was causing my entire body to coil in anguish that reminded me, and made me long again for perfection. hurt is not a state of being, not an emotion, that we are supposed to feel. and one day, we won't. today, i long for that day.

until next time.

i am not strong

i started going to a psychologist late summer. a skeptic of all skeptics about the whole process, i made the appointment and tried to hold out hope. but i'm a fairly intelligent human being. i enjoy reasoning through theory and dabbling in philosophy, and had a hard time believing that just because he/she spent thousands of dollars on their education, they'd be able to come up with, in an hour a week, what i had been unable to discover in years of introverted study. i was wrong.

i'm not going to try to convert anyone to the side of psychology vs counseling or the pros/cons of either. but i have learned and am continuing to learn so much.

it took a few "sessions", such a lovely clinical term, to get everything into the open that i thought needed dealt with. the hours fly by when someone is just sitting listening to you unload years and years of anxieties, fears, confusion, and hurt. and i consider myself to have had a great life both past and present. but still, it took hours. many insights were made as i began to "bear my soul" but it was the conclusion of the second session that i sit here this morning thinking about.

"i consider myself to be strong"

"you may have been once, and i am confident that you will be again. but you are not strong"

"i'm not?"

and there i sat. my own tears seeming to provide the proof for his argument. i reached for the tissue box (which i can now grab without looking because it has become a routine reach), let out a big sigh, and began letting my mind accept that i am not strong.

i am fiercely independent. i am frighteningly strong-willed. but now i needed to accept i was not/am not strong. and somehow, that does not take away from my independence or strong-willed nature. that not being strong, does not equal weakness. that sometimes, especially through hard times, it is good, healthy, and most beneficial to need others. to depend on friends. and accept the feelings of pain, hurt, or confusion that you're going through and that is what makes you strong.

until next time.

here goes nothing

my goal is that somehow this would help someone somewhere as they live. i am young and with each year and every new experience, i have more and more questions about life, love, and faith. i've found that the best way to learn is to ask questions. i will. you can. we should. we have been given minds to reason through the ideals, experiences, and concepts we face every day.
life. i believe it is not the end but know that it is a gift. but how do you make the most of it? what happens when it seems too much to handle? what is important and what is trivial?

love. is it the unseen connection or tangible action? or both? why do some have it and others don't? what is the ultimate love look like? why do we crave it so desperately? and more often then not, why does it hurt?
faith. unseen. untaught. where does it come from? where do we place it? how does it affect our lives? why do we subscribe to certain religions?

probably just living is going to bring up some, if not all, of the above questions. i'm not sure. and my goal isn't to set out to answer all or any of them. they're simply things i anticipate will come up.
this is me, publicly living. because it is only honesty, openly, and hopefully, that we can make it through each day.

until next time.