i am not strong

i started going to a psychologist late summer. a skeptic of all skeptics about the whole process, i made the appointment and tried to hold out hope. but i'm a fairly intelligent human being. i enjoy reasoning through theory and dabbling in philosophy, and had a hard time believing that just because he/she spent thousands of dollars on their education, they'd be able to come up with, in an hour a week, what i had been unable to discover in years of introverted study. i was wrong.

i'm not going to try to convert anyone to the side of psychology vs counseling or the pros/cons of either. but i have learned and am continuing to learn so much.

it took a few "sessions", such a lovely clinical term, to get everything into the open that i thought needed dealt with. the hours fly by when someone is just sitting listening to you unload years and years of anxieties, fears, confusion, and hurt. and i consider myself to have had a great life both past and present. but still, it took hours. many insights were made as i began to "bear my soul" but it was the conclusion of the second session that i sit here this morning thinking about.

"i consider myself to be strong"

"you may have been once, and i am confident that you will be again. but you are not strong"

"i'm not?"

and there i sat. my own tears seeming to provide the proof for his argument. i reached for the tissue box (which i can now grab without looking because it has become a routine reach), let out a big sigh, and began letting my mind accept that i am not strong.

i am fiercely independent. i am frighteningly strong-willed. but now i needed to accept i was not/am not strong. and somehow, that does not take away from my independence or strong-willed nature. that not being strong, does not equal weakness. that sometimes, especially through hard times, it is good, healthy, and most beneficial to need others. to depend on friends. and accept the feelings of pain, hurt, or confusion that you're going through and that is what makes you strong.

until next time.