there are always interesting conversations surrounding faith. what is it? who has it? what is it in? what is it based on? where does it come from? etc. and usually somewhere in the midst of opinions and convictions, people begin to compare theirs with another's. are they in the same thing? is one right and one wrong? i've always been intrigued by this as my own convictions definitely have tended to place me on a particular side of this debate. i have my convictions, and therefore, i share them because i think they're right. if i didn't think they were right, why believe them? BUT, how, when, and with what attitude you do such, varies. and recently, life circumstances, have brought a new perspective for me on this.
most people, if not all, will hear the phrase "judge not lest you be judged" by the time they reach adulthood. it is derived from a bible verse though i'm sure was coined by someone else along the way as well. anyway. i've heard that used against religious types many times. sometimes i've been included in the intended party, sometimes just a listening ear. and those who i've been around that have had this thrown at them will say they are not judging but that God is the supreme judge and they are passing along His commands/demands. and i agree. but suddenly, as of late, i don't feel like that is always the case. i'll try to candidly explain.
i have faith. and for years i doubted it. never sure of whether it was truly there. always taught to question my own heart and motives i was in a constant state of fear. fear that i was deceiving myself. how could you ever know that you weren't deceiving yourself? you couldn't. and so on good days i thought that i must believe. and on bad days, i thought i must not believe. and during these years of doubt inwardly, outwardly i lived as i aught. dutifully following everything as best i could. never once my faith questioned by others. but lately i have been forced through life circumstance orchestrated, i believe by God, to look at and truly examine my beliefs. it was hard. it is hard. to question everything you have based each life decision on. and i wish i could tell you i came to conclusions, but i haven't. not yet. i'm still in the midst of sorting through what i was raised to believe and merely never questioned; and what i believe in the depths of my soul. i think it's a life-long journey. at least it feels that way right now.
back to it. i questioned for years but now, when it would be easier for me then ever, to abandon every nuance of my faith, i refuse. not simply because i am stubborn. not because i am scared. but because i know that what my faith is grounded in is true. if i didn't think so, i would've dropped it months ago with ease. but now, when i am assured that i have a faith that will not let me go, all around me, others question. they question simply because i question. they worry simply because i doubt. they stand anxiously because i'm picking apart my beliefs.
i am currently reading a book by philip yancey called reaching for the invisible God. in it, he tells of the following account: "A Scottish preacher in the last century lost his wife suddenly, and after her death he preached an unusually personal sermon. He admitted in the message that he did not understand this life of ours. But still less could he understand how people facing loss could abandon faith. 'Abandon it for what!' he said. 'You people in the sunshine may believe the faith, but we in the shadow must believe it. We have nothing else'"
and so here i am. all around me question my faith but i say, as the Scottish preacher did. abandon it for what! yes, i am in a hard time of life. yes, i am questioning some of what i have so long believed. but never more, have i clung to my faith in God and Christ and the Spirit then right now. i must believe, i have nothing else.
until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment