i am not strong

i started going to a psychologist late summer. a skeptic of all skeptics about the whole process, i made the appointment and tried to hold out hope. but i'm a fairly intelligent human being. i enjoy reasoning through theory and dabbling in philosophy, and had a hard time believing that just because he/she spent thousands of dollars on their education, they'd be able to come up with, in an hour a week, what i had been unable to discover in years of introverted study. i was wrong.

i'm not going to try to convert anyone to the side of psychology vs counseling or the pros/cons of either. but i have learned and am continuing to learn so much.

it took a few "sessions", such a lovely clinical term, to get everything into the open that i thought needed dealt with. the hours fly by when someone is just sitting listening to you unload years and years of anxieties, fears, confusion, and hurt. and i consider myself to have had a great life both past and present. but still, it took hours. many insights were made as i began to "bear my soul" but it was the conclusion of the second session that i sit here this morning thinking about.

"i consider myself to be strong"

"you may have been once, and i am confident that you will be again. but you are not strong"

"i'm not?"

and there i sat. my own tears seeming to provide the proof for his argument. i reached for the tissue box (which i can now grab without looking because it has become a routine reach), let out a big sigh, and began letting my mind accept that i am not strong.

i am fiercely independent. i am frighteningly strong-willed. but now i needed to accept i was not/am not strong. and somehow, that does not take away from my independence or strong-willed nature. that not being strong, does not equal weakness. that sometimes, especially through hard times, it is good, healthy, and most beneficial to need others. to depend on friends. and accept the feelings of pain, hurt, or confusion that you're going through and that is what makes you strong.

until next time.

here goes nothing

my goal is that somehow this would help someone somewhere as they live. i am young and with each year and every new experience, i have more and more questions about life, love, and faith. i've found that the best way to learn is to ask questions. i will. you can. we should. we have been given minds to reason through the ideals, experiences, and concepts we face every day.
life. i believe it is not the end but know that it is a gift. but how do you make the most of it? what happens when it seems too much to handle? what is important and what is trivial?

love. is it the unseen connection or tangible action? or both? why do some have it and others don't? what is the ultimate love look like? why do we crave it so desperately? and more often then not, why does it hurt?
faith. unseen. untaught. where does it come from? where do we place it? how does it affect our lives? why do we subscribe to certain religions?

probably just living is going to bring up some, if not all, of the above questions. i'm not sure. and my goal isn't to set out to answer all or any of them. they're simply things i anticipate will come up.
this is me, publicly living. because it is only honesty, openly, and hopefully, that we can make it through each day.

until next time.